No, He Didn’t Get Off
January 2nd, 2009You’ve GOT to love Charles Barkley.
Not only does he have complete lack of that thing that makes most of us carefully choose our words before we let them out, but every few years or so he does some fool-ass thing that entertains us all. Who’ll ever forget his tossing of a midget (aren’t we all midgets to Chuck?) through a bar window? Or the time some other hapless chump tried to screw with Mr. Barkley in some bar after he’d had a few (I consider myself a fairly tough guy, but I can think of at least 6 billion other people I’d fuck with before C. Barkley)? The great thing about Chuck, was the way he would just tell the media “Yeah, I kicked his ass, so what?” He made us think the shrimp or the drunk deserved it, and we were entranced by his boorish candidness. That Charles. He said the things we all wanted to say, but were too tactful to say them.
Over the years, he has become an entertaining figure on TNT’s basketball broadcasts, refreshing us with his candidness, a guy who always comes in with the high cheddar when the other guys are tossing softballs. Those incidents seemed behind Chuckles until this week, when he got pulled over for suspicion of DUI in Scottsdale, AZ. Doesn’t it seem, just like everyone apparently will end up being in the cast of Saturday Night Live, that everybody gets pulled over in Scottsdale for DUI? Except Danica Patrick, that is… Between the DUI and those goddamn speed trap cameras, I’ll bet Scottsdale has the best Policemen’s Ball of any municipality. I’m surprised the cop cars aren’t friggin’ Bentleys, seeing they have so many ways to separate us chumps and chumpettes from our moolah.
But, as usual, I digress. On New Year’s Eve, Sir Charles coasted through a stop sign in Old Town Scottsdale at 10 MPH in plain view of the Law. Fox News, “fair and balanced” as usual, reports that Mr. Barkley was in a hurry, sports fans, to get a hummer from a young lady he had just picked up. I’m sure Bill O’Reilly can relate to that! Sometimes Charles is just a little TOO candid. Y’know, he is mulling a run for the Governorship of Alabama. Another former Governor from another Southern state with 3 A’s in its name received some famous fellatio, allegedly. President Barkley? Maybe…
Well, I would probably be speaking accurately when I say it probably took even longer for Chuck to get that blow job, if he got it at all. By all accounts, Chuck was cooperative and pleasant with the police staff during his very sweaty mug shot.
Charles even offered to have the name of a Police Department civilian employee tattooed on his ass if they could get him off from the DUI. Jesus, Charles, from the looks of you, you could have offered to have every officer in Maricopa County’s name tattooed on that ass.
He didn’t get off.
The cops didn’t let him off either.












